If you’re on my page, you probably (a) identify as a high achiever, and (b) likely also struggle with either people pleasing and/or perfectionism. Being a person unique to the combination of (a) and (b), there are also unique challenges that you also will face in the pursuit of your own goals. One of the uniqueness of high achieving people pleasers lies within the variables that stop them from doing the things that they want to do. These are somewhat different from other people, in that they are not present in all situations, but are present when a high achiever goes to pursue their own personal goals. These variables are ones that stop you from holding your goals and dreams to be sacred at all costs, they sow doubt, breed insecurity, and contribute to struggles with boundaries and burnout. So what is this “number one challenge” to pursuing personal goals? Let’s back up for a moment, otherwise “the big reveal” will fall quite a bit flat. What Our Approach to Achievement Tells Us What do high achievers do when they want to achieve something for purposes other than personal goals? In this instance, let’s think of achievement as a sort of accomplishment that others will be made aware of; this is something that will be viewed or evaluated by other people as part of the process of the achievement itself, and may or may not also be of interest to the person. Meaning, they probably otherwise wouldn’t do this “thing” unless it wasn’t part of something they are “supposed to do” (for whatever reason). For these external-facing achievement goals, my high achieving people pleasers will often get amped up for it (via excitement, frustration, annoyance, or perpetual anxiety; some underlying emotional motivation) and then hyper-focus on that task either in time spent or in mental energy spent (or both). They use much of their time, energy, and space to focus on this goal. When these high achievers are also people pleasing, they add another layer of latent stress of how the end product of the goal will be perceived by others, with perpetual rumination on this aspect. Sprinkle in some perfectionism? They then critique their goal – over and over again to the point of exhaustion – to ensure that both their progress and the end-result of their goal will be perceived as ‘good enough.’ These two extra layers of people pleasing x perfectionism therefore get use of whatever remaining time, energy, and space exists for these individuals at the end of each day. At this point, the person is really using a huge percentage of their mental pie chart to focus on this external-facing goal. This can be extremely exhausting for the person; however, a lot of my clients report that this is how they “motivate” themselves to “get the job done” and that they will, in fact, typically complete the task when it is approached from this vantage point. This, in turn, makes it difficult to try different approaches and strategies that might be more beneficial to their physical and emotional wellbeing, because they believe that the stress and self-doubt they put themselves through is part of the “key” to their success. BUT! There’s a Caveat Here… The problem is, typically high achievers approach goal setting in this way when they are specifically considering it to be “achieving something” and where this said achievement will be presented to or evaluated by others. The evaluation process itself doesn’t necessarily demand one self-deprecate, undermine one’s own abilities, or doubt oneself tirelessly. However, the high achieving people pleaser will tend to do so anyway, because external-facing achievement means an opportunity for something they rarely give to themselves… validation. Thus, they are often unknowingly seeking external validation in this process, in order to evaluate the worthiness of their achievement. When external validation is unlikely, unavailable, or not even part of the process, this above-described approach for “achievement” of a goal isn’t as typically present. In this case, the high achiever may not even pursue the goal, may not consider it important, or may put it off incessantly in favor of other tasks that are deemed a higher priority (e.g., other goals where external evaluation are likely to be present). So What About Personal Goals? This is the most important question here. We know how high achieving people pleasers typically go about “achievement” goals that are external-facing, but what about personal goals? This is where we get to our “#1 thing” that keeps them from pursuing their goals. When my high achieving people pleasers typically try to apply the same achievement-logic to their personal goals, it sort of falls flat. They don’t have the same sense of urgency toward fulfilling their personal goals. This is because they don’t pair reinforcement to their goals, so they don’t feel as drawn toward making space for them. In the case of achievement, the reinforcement is often external validation (or, avoidance of negative feedback). In the case of personal goals, the reinforcement is…? The end goal itself? Self-validation? Fulfillment? But if we haven’t built a runway for these things to be meaningful to us, and if we haven’t allowed ourselves to be “good enough” or worthy enough to have them in the first place, then these goals certainly won’t be meaningful to us when it comes time to put our personal goals on the front burner. We won’t know what to do with them. This means that, the #1 challenge (barrier) to staying focused on personal goals is giving them the same time, space, and energy we do our achievement goals. This is maintained by the root problem (a much deeper issue) of seeking external validation to establish our worth, and struggling with self-validation and worthiness. How Do I Get Out of My Own Way? The short answer is: DO IT ANYWAY. No matter what you think about yourself, what you think about how you’ll be perceived, what you think about your own shortcomings, what’s available
You Can Have Your Goals, OR You Can Have People Pleasing & Perfectionism (But You Can’t Have Both)
Too many of my clients are too worried about the “uncontrollables” in their life. These “uncontrollables” are aspects of their external world that they attempt to control or manage, and actively believe that they can exert control over. When they are in this space, they tend to focus on: What people think about them “Making everyone happy” Finding the “perfect” way to do something “Preparing for every possible scenario” Waiting “for the right time” So on and so forth This then leads to: Spending excessive time preparing for things that are never used, not important, or arbitrary Starting projects and not finishing them Burning themselves out trying to spend more time on their tasks than is logically available in their day, trying to “do it all” Feeling unappreciated when others don’t notice how much time and energy they have spent in something Struggling to set boundaries within themselves and with others Feeling affected by someone’s dislike of their work Continuing to tweak projects endlessly -OR- Conversely, not doing anything at all! These are just some of the many ways that people pleasing x perfectionism can show up in someone’s life. People often engage in these behaviors in an effort to make things “perfect” before they let others see, analyze, and have the opportunity to reject their work. It also protects them from the rejection they do of themselves; when they are holding themselves up to rigid or unrealistic expectations, they are being harshly critical of (and often unintentionally unkind to) themselves. These are fairly fear-based ways to set personal expectations of oneself. The irony? Nothing happens to their goals! They spent so much time on the uncontrollables, that they forgot to master their efficiency in the things they CAN control. In doing so, the gap between themselves and their goals increases, because they have put time and distance between themselves and their goals with this waiting game. And this is if they even have set and measurable goals for their progress. Honestly, most of my perfectionists and people pleasers do not. If they do have goals, they are often unattainable, unreasonable, and self-sabotaging. Most believe that perfect project execution is the goal, other people being proud of them is the goal, being seen as competent and unfailing in every task is the goal, and doing great (no, wonderful!) work at all times is the ultimate goal. Ah! When people approach loose and unmeasurable goals this way, it begs so many more questions than it can possibly answer. How would one measure this? How would one measure success? Failure? If one person doesn’t like it, then are you (as a person) a complete failure, or just your project (and is that a complete failure or a partial failure)? What if your boss, Sally, is just mean and will never be proud of you – will you then never be “good enough”? What if the CEO has expectations that defy the logic of the time-space continuum and what human people are capable of doing – are you still a failure if you cannot meet such toxic and unreasonable demands? This keeps my clients in a feedback loop of rumination, stress, and constant questioning of their worthiness and inherent worth as a person. When really, what we want to do is evaluate the completion on a discrete task, project, or goal. One is about a person, the other is about a task. These are very different things. But what if they worked toward their goal with (a) measurable and operationalized metrics, and (b) a steady, reasonable, and pragmatic pace in mind? What would change? Let’s start with what’s considered “reasonable.” As a starting point, let’s consider a goal of making 1% progress every day on a specific task/goal, and let’s assume you are currently at a baseline of 0% on this task/goal. One percent doesn’t seem like a lot, does it? If we only made 1% progress expected every day on a task or goal, in 30 days they are 30% closer! Even if our execution was not perfect, we would still be ⅓ of the way closer to goal completion by the end of 30 days (on whatever it is we are working on). In 3.5 months, we would be fully completing this goal. (This is, obviously, extremely hypothetical and not applicable to all situations). However, that’s a pretty big gain on a goal, and not likely reflective of the high level of growth that we likely can expect in most circumstances. A lot of this has to do with sustainability (e.g., do you actually have the time each day to do what it would demand to complete 1% of a project/goal every day?) as well as growth incubation periods that exist with many goals (e.g., growing muscle in a fitness program, growing your financial portfolios, or even in things like significantly increasing your networking relationships takes time to address that can’t be bypassed). (Isn’t that crazy, that we have to think even smaller, in order to make bigger, sustainable goals STICK?!). For some people, they can only get 0.1% closer each day; that’s totally okay, too! In fact, in many instances, this might even be advisable to think about it this way. In this scenario, In 10 days, they are 1% closer to their goal. In 10 weeks, they are 10% closer. And in 10 months, they can be 40% closer! That’s 40 percent closer to their goal in ten months!! What if someone is really, really strapped for time and effort. What if they only can work toward 0.05% closer to their goal each day? That’s still: 0.5% closer in 10 days, 5% closer in 5 weeks, and 20% closer in 10 months! It’s kind of crazy to think about it this way, but some goals benefit from this strategy. For example, take long-term goals, such as retirement. With our retirement funds, we do exactly this. If you are planning a retirement fund in the multi-millions, chances are you are saving <0.0001% per day. For
What Successful High Achievers Know That Others Don’t
In the last post, I discussed the four main ways that I see High Achievers say that they feel “stuck.” Logically, the follow up question I most often will then receive is: How do they get “unstuck”? This is the million dollar question! Knowing the answer to this question is essentially what differentiates high achievers between those that feel good within their success, and those that feel trapped. Some high achievers are “successful,” in that they are living their version of “a life well-lived,” a the life they have been intentionally working toward that includes relationships and work that feels good to them. Other high achievers will struggle with this concept more, which inevitably prolongs the time it takes for them to feel fulfillment across multiple areas of their life. My “successful” high achievers know the secret to the former, the approach to “a life well lived.” This secret answer is what keeps them constantly moving in the direction that they want to go, seemingly hitting W after W. What is This Magical Solution, Already?! Of course, most people want a “silver bullet,” to which there is none. There is no universal answer to every problem; anyone telling you there is, is absolutely 100% lying to you. However, there are solutions to address feeling stuck, that are correlated with thriving, wellbeing, and overall success. These solutions might take some work and effort, and they aren’t a “silver bullet,” but they are doable, actionable, and something that can be started right now. Here is a microcosm of what I’ve learned about this question of How to get unstuck? (Obviously, this is much more nuanced in practice, but as a starting point, is important). Action in The Face of Fear My high achievers are EXCELLENT at action! They climb metaphorical (and physical) summits that others could only dream of. They are daring, capable, and extremely hard working. They are often creative, quick, and driven in their approaches to problem solving. For my high achievers that struggle with scenarios #2-4 (from my last post), they are also excellent at avoiding things that are uncomfortable. For these high achievers, they often instead try to find “ways around” uncomfortable actions, particularly ones that they are less familiar with or that they feel less confident about. This avoidance typically surrounds an action they need to take that is actually quite important or critical to getting the thing that they want. Their fear of discomfort causes them to avoid these feelings, which therefore keeps them circling the same situation and position they have been in with little (if any) movement. More simply said, fear and avoidance keep them stuck. From there, they typically “wait out” the discomfort and then fail to take the action they need to, to have the life they want. (This is all particularly salient for my high achieving people pleasers). (Ironically; fear [an uncomfortable emotion] of discomfort [by definition, an uncomfortable feeling] keeps them stuck [an even more uncomfortable feeling], and keeps them avoiding doing the action-thing that would offer them fulfillment [a comfortable feeling]… therefore, when avoiding action they often stay surrounded by uncomfortable emotions, whilst working super hard to not feel uncomfortable emotions, that they are themselves accidentally perpetuating, all while moving them further away from the actually comfortable feeling. Phew!). However, what they truly need is a direct, head-on approach for 99.9% of issues where they feel “stuck” or trapped. No avoidance, no “waiting” for it to “feel better,” no “guarantees” that the outcome will be what they want before they will do it. This is what my “successful” high achievers do, over and over and over again, rinse and repeat. They’re willing to take an L, they’re willing to take a chance, they’re willing to do whatever it takes to have the life of success and fulfillment that means so much to them. No guarantees needed; if this approach doesn’t work, they will find one that will. This may mean doing things others don’t like, making people upset by setting boundaries, saying “no,” disagreeing with others’ opinions, risking disrupting or losing relationships, communicating needs directly, holding consequences when needs are consistently not met, and seeing people for who they really are and what they are honestly capable of offering you. These are more “direct” actions. It’s important to note that direct actions do not have to be taken in a cold and callous Machiavellian way; you can still be warm and firm when holding boundaries, and doing so is actually a gold standard within action and boundary-related approaches. Why Are They Avoiding in The First Place? It Seems Counterintuitive To Their Nature… When I talk with my high achievers about breaking this pattern, they often ask about how they got there in the first place. It’s actually quite clever (albeit, exhausting!). High achievers feel so competent in so many other areas of their life, they often think they can “hack” around any of these unpleasant and direct action-items, and continue to attempt to indirectly influence or control the outcome of the other person or organization without directly doing all or any of these things. For example, I often hear, “What can I do without talking to them directly? Is there something I can say to get them to see this is a problem without being confrontational?” Read: they are asking me, “How can I do this without stating something the other person won’t like, or without giving consequences that will make the other person mad?” Another heavy hitter: “What can I do so people will still think I’m a good person? I can’t do X if others will think I’m not a good person, I can’t live with the guilt.” Here, they are essentially asking, “How can I do this thing that is likely to make someone unhappy, in a way that will keep them happy with me? I can’t/won’t do if if they
4 Common Ways High Achievers Feel “Stuck”
Someone recently asked me if I was able to articulate the similarities within my client base. The two main similarities that I could conceive were: (A) they are mostly all high achievers, and (B) they feel “stuck” in some way in their life. In regards to the latter, it is typically some variation of occupational stress or burnout, relationship stress, the overwhelm of juggling everything with seemingly no time for being a human, or considering (consciously or subconsciously) job or relationship transitions (such as leaving or changing dynamics within either domain). How Do High Achievers Even Get “Stuck” in The First Place? There is a common misconception that high achievers don’t face any challenges in their lives, never struggle with Imposter Syndrome, and “have it all” by virtue of their mere accomplishments. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is, all of my high achievers struggle with doubt or insecurity at some point or another, and almost all of them are going to indicate they have felt “stuck” at some point in our work together. With most of my clients, the feeling of “stuckness” or feeling “trapped” in particular weighs on them pretty heavily. 4 Common Ways High Achievers Experience Feeling “Stuck” There are numerous ways that high achievers come to me to work out feeling stuck, whether in work or in their relationships. However, the three most common patterns I see are: They already know what perceived barriers stand in their way from having a goal or fulfillment in a life domain, but they don’t know the “rules” to overcoming this barrier. They may be struggling to figure out which key action items to take on their path. They know the “rules” or “what they need to do next,” but are afraid to take the next step. They are struggling with the idea that they will be causing disruption to their lives if they put their plans into action. They are struggling with concerns on whether or not they are “allowed” to make these changes or if they are “right” to want them in the first place. In the case of #1, the high achiever will typically benefit from brainstorming and coming from a place of curiosity to see the situation from different perspectives and problem solving approaches. Continued efforts to seek resolution, reframing “failure” as “a step toward what will work,” and keeping an open mind are essential in these instances. These cases typically cycle out of “stuckness” rather quickly. In the case of #2 through #4, my high achievers are essentially saying that they are stuck because of fear. Fear is a bigger beast to tackle, particularly if you’re not adept at fighting this monster. Fear can crush dreams, diminish hope, and cause unnecessary retreat. Left untamed, fear can cause destruction to anyone, including high achievers. How Feeling “Stuck” is Maintained For some people, taking steps to address feeling stuck or trapped is thwarted due to concerns about “what will happen.” Sometimes these perceptions are slightly exaggerated to the actual outcome. Meaning, setting mild or moderate boundaries with a person or an institution doesn’t often result in the huge fallout they are imagining. (Unless said person or institution is emotionally or otherwise overtly abusive and manipulative; for which I would recommend working with a professional when you choose to extract yourself from those situations, due to safety concerns with the other person’s reactions). For others, taking steps to address feeling stuck or trapped will, indeed, result in a destabilization of many parts of their lives. Because most people automatically assume this destabilization will happen in their situation if they set boundaries or prioritize themselves, and that this hypothesized destabilization will obliterate any chance for happiness in their life (ironically, as this is the intention of the very action itself), many people avoid taking the action they need to altogether. And for even others still, they do not know what their options are, and feel incapacitated by this lack of available effective methods, after they have exhausted multiple attempts to address the situation using different methods and now have concern that things will never change. Solutions? High achiever or not, the solution involves objectively assessing the situation, taking inventory of your possible options, and taking courageous action toward the goal you want. Tie your goal to your purpose in life, what you believe to be a life well-lived (and its related principles for living), and you have a foundation that science says is likely to keep your covitality and well-being intact for the foreseeable future. And if you need more help, seek out the support of a coach (if you’re not in distress) or therapist (if your distress is present and bothering you) to work through these situations. You’ve got this! -Dr. H
You Can’t People Please Your Way Out of People Pleasing
It’s a genuinely hard truth, but my lovely people pleasing high achievers need to hear this one: You can’t people please your way out of people pleasing. You have to choose: Yourself. Your dreams. Doing things that feel good. Spaces that feel life-giving. People that willingly honor you. Jobs that respect you. There is no other way out. Love my high achieving people pleasers, but they genuinely believe that if they could just find the “silver bullet” strategy, the people pleasing will all be worth it and their life will finally settle down and feel good. The reality is, the only winning strategy for them is a trifecta approach: putting their needs first; honoring their dreams, goals, and self-worth; and holding incredibly strong boundaries. Most people take issue with the first part – putting their needs first. But the truth is, people and situations that want to honor and partner with you, won’t need you to debase your own needs for them to be okay. They will encourage and support you in meeting your own needs. They will make sure to take care of their own needs, as well. Most of my high achieving people pleasers also struggle with boundaries; they take the approach of, “I know I need stronger boundaries, but that would be hard, so what can you do?” Boundaries aren’t hard, despite what mainstream beliefs are about them. And they are actually the way you get what you want incredibly quickly. Bonus: They also protect your beautiful dreams and goals, as well as your invaluable self-worth. Herein lies the key to the harmony people pleasers are seeking. Choosing situations and people that honor them, and honoring themselves first. It’s not magic, rocket science, or unattainable. It’s at your fingertips, now. And in case no one has told you yet today, you deserve that peace and harmony. You deserve a life you are absolutely obsessed with, and that is obsessed with you back. Now get out there and go live your dream life! (And if you need any help, we are always here for you). -Dr. H
Most High Achievers Are Exhausted. They Just Don’t Know How to Break the Cycle.
Most high achieving women know that people pleasing is exhausting them and draining their life force. They just don’t know “how” to stop the cycle. For my beautiful high achieving, people pleasing women…. This is for you if you know that you deserve so much more than this. More than burnout, exhaustion, and somewhat non-reciprocal relationships. It’s lonely as hell, wildly unfulfilling, and – whether or not you realize it – extremely unnecessary. You have big visions, huge goals, aspirations more profound than most people around you. You have a deep sense of longing for the life you’ve been striving for, always feeling like it’s a carrot-stick situation. You want to know when calm, peace, and relaxing FINALLY fits into your plan. You want to know when it’s finally “your turn” for things to be about YOU. You know the time is NOW. You know life isn’t going to wait for you to get permission from other people first; time will keep marching on relentlessly and undeterred by your fear of rejection, failure, and not being enough. You know that, if you stay on this path, time will pass, years will pass, your whole life will flash before you. You know the. time. is. NOW. The time is NOW to claim your peace, to say No to anything that is not a “hell yes!”, to serve as your own foundation in the face of others’ disapproval, to seek out fulfilling your own needs even when the world feels against you. The time is NOW for finding your purpose and waking up with fulfillment every day. The time is NOW to give yourself PERMISSION to have PEACE … NO MATTER WHAT anyone says. This is for you if you know that there’s no time when we are ever really “ready” to take a leap, but know you want to do it anyway. …You just simply need the tools and knowledge to understand this part of the journey, and what it means to break this long standing-cycle of people pleasing that has dominated and controlled most of your life. If you’re looking for effective strategies to reclaim your life, to feel freedom of choice, to feel peace and fulfillment – these programs are for you. We have the knowledge you’ve been looking for. We have the skills and tools you’ve been looking for. I watch women every day, again and again, say NO to a life they didn’t want and HELL YES to a empowering, freedom-based reality, one where they get to truly have what they want and be their true selves. And they never look back. So can you. 2024 is about YOU. Can’t wait to companion you on this next step in your journey… it’s going to be life changing!
Welcome to The High Achiever Studio!
Welcome to The High Achiever Studio page! We want to see you achieve your wildest dreams while living the most fulfilling life possible. High achieving women are some of the most unique, wonderful, and life-giving people to be around. They are brilliant and often successful, with great visions and big goals. The downside is that many high achieving women I work with also identify as people pleasers. And the people pleasing, the walking on eggshells, the delicate house-of-cards balancing act feels like it’s literally KILLING them. They often say that they feel like they have to choose massive success (and continuing to people please and work themselves to the bone) OR settling for smaller dreams (because they have to set boundaries, speak up for themselves, and “let go” of something they really want). The good news is, that you can have BOTH — massive success AND an overall fulfilling life. If you relate, use this page as a resource to feel supported, energized, and to learn the skills you need to get to your next level in your mindset, goals, and relationships. At The High Achiever Studio, we see ourselves as a place for high achieving people-pleasers: –A place for high achievers to receive quality support, resources, and guidance. –A place to master mindset and move from hustle to flow. –A place to find fulfillment while gracefully achieving goals and dreams. –A place to leave behind people pleasing, perfectionism, and what you think you “should” do (but don’t want to do). –Let us know how we can help you. Cheers to you and your inevitable success and peace, and your best year yet!