In the last post, I discussed the four main ways that I see High Achievers say that they feel “stuck.” Logically, the follow up question I most often will then receive is: How do they get “unstuck”? This is the million dollar question! Knowing the answer to this question is essentially what differentiates high achievers between those that feel good within their success, and those that feel trapped. Some high achievers are “successful,” in that they are living their version of “a life well-lived,” a the life they have been intentionally working toward that includes relationships and work that feels good to them. Other high achievers will struggle with this concept more, which inevitably prolongs the time it takes for them to feel fulfillment across multiple areas of their life. My “successful” high achievers know the secret to the former, the approach to “a life well lived.” This secret answer is what keeps them constantly moving in the direction that they want to go, seemingly hitting W after W. What is This Magical Solution, Already?! Of course, most people want a “silver bullet,” to which there is none. There is no universal answer to every problem; anyone telling you there is, is absolutely 100% lying to you. However, there are solutions to address feeling stuck, that are correlated with thriving, wellbeing, and overall success. These solutions might take some work and effort, and they aren’t a “silver bullet,” but they are doable, actionable, and something that can be started right now. Here is a microcosm of what I’ve learned about this question of How to get unstuck? (Obviously, this is much more nuanced in practice, but as a starting point, is important). Action in The Face of Fear My high achievers are EXCELLENT at action! They climb metaphorical (and physical) summits that others could only dream of. They are daring, capable, and extremely hard working. They are often creative, quick, and driven in their approaches to problem solving. For my high achievers that struggle with scenarios #2-4 (from my last post), they are also excellent at avoiding things that are uncomfortable. For these high achievers, they often instead try to find “ways around” uncomfortable actions, particularly ones that they are less familiar with or that they feel less confident about. This avoidance typically surrounds an action they need to take that is actually quite important or critical to getting the thing that they want. Their fear of discomfort causes them to avoid these feelings, which therefore keeps them circling the same situation and position they have been in with little (if any) movement. More simply said, fear and avoidance keep them stuck. From there, they typically “wait out” the discomfort and then fail to take the action they need to, to have the life they want. (This is all particularly salient for my high achieving people pleasers). (Ironically; fear [an uncomfortable emotion] of discomfort [by definition, an uncomfortable feeling] keeps them stuck [an even more uncomfortable feeling], and keeps them avoiding doing the action-thing that would offer them fulfillment [a comfortable feeling]… therefore, when avoiding action they often stay surrounded by uncomfortable emotions, whilst working super hard to not feel uncomfortable emotions, that they are themselves accidentally perpetuating, all while moving them further away from the actually comfortable feeling. Phew!). However, what they truly need is a direct, head-on approach for 99.9% of issues where they feel “stuck” or trapped. No avoidance, no “waiting” for it to “feel better,” no “guarantees” that the outcome will be what they want before they will do it. This is what my “successful” high achievers do, over and over and over again, rinse and repeat. They’re willing to take an L, they’re willing to take a chance, they’re willing to do whatever it takes to have the life of success and fulfillment that means so much to them. No guarantees needed; if this approach doesn’t work, they will find one that will. This may mean doing things others don’t like, making people upset by setting boundaries, saying “no,” disagreeing with others’ opinions, risking disrupting or losing relationships, communicating needs directly, holding consequences when needs are consistently not met, and seeing people for who they really are and what they are honestly capable of offering you. These are more “direct” actions. It’s important to note that direct actions do not have to be taken in a cold and callous Machiavellian way; you can still be warm and firm when holding boundaries, and doing so is actually a gold standard within action and boundary-related approaches. Why Are They Avoiding in The First Place? It Seems Counterintuitive To Their Nature… When I talk with my high achievers about breaking this pattern, they often ask about how they got there in the first place. It’s actually quite clever (albeit, exhausting!). High achievers feel so competent in so many other areas of their life, they often think they can “hack” around any of these unpleasant and direct action-items, and continue to attempt to indirectly influence or control the outcome of the other person or organization without directly doing all or any of these things. For example, I often hear, “What can I do without talking to them directly? Is there something I can say to get them to see this is a problem without being confrontational?” Read: they are asking me, “How can I do this without stating something the other person won’t like, or without giving consequences that will make the other person mad?” Another heavy hitter: “What can I do so people will still think I’m a good person? I can’t do X if others will think I’m not a good person, I can’t live with the guilt.” Here, they are essentially asking, “How can I do this thing that is likely to make someone unhappy, in a way that will keep them happy with me? I can’t/won’t do if if they
4 Common Ways High Achievers Feel “Stuck”
Someone recently asked me if I was able to articulate the similarities within my client base. The two main similarities that I could conceive were: (A) they are mostly all high achievers, and (B) they feel “stuck” in some way in their life. In regards to the latter, it is typically some variation of occupational stress or burnout, relationship stress, the overwhelm of juggling everything with seemingly no time for being a human, or considering (consciously or subconsciously) job or relationship transitions (such as leaving or changing dynamics within either domain). How Do High Achievers Even Get “Stuck” in The First Place? There is a common misconception that high achievers don’t face any challenges in their lives, never struggle with Imposter Syndrome, and “have it all” by virtue of their mere accomplishments. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is, all of my high achievers struggle with doubt or insecurity at some point or another, and almost all of them are going to indicate they have felt “stuck” at some point in our work together. With most of my clients, the feeling of “stuckness” or feeling “trapped” in particular weighs on them pretty heavily. 4 Common Ways High Achievers Experience Feeling “Stuck” There are numerous ways that high achievers come to me to work out feeling stuck, whether in work or in their relationships. However, the three most common patterns I see are: They already know what perceived barriers stand in their way from having a goal or fulfillment in a life domain, but they don’t know the “rules” to overcoming this barrier. They may be struggling to figure out which key action items to take on their path. They know the “rules” or “what they need to do next,” but are afraid to take the next step. They are struggling with the idea that they will be causing disruption to their lives if they put their plans into action. They are struggling with concerns on whether or not they are “allowed” to make these changes or if they are “right” to want them in the first place. In the case of #1, the high achiever will typically benefit from brainstorming and coming from a place of curiosity to see the situation from different perspectives and problem solving approaches. Continued efforts to seek resolution, reframing “failure” as “a step toward what will work,” and keeping an open mind are essential in these instances. These cases typically cycle out of “stuckness” rather quickly. In the case of #2 through #4, my high achievers are essentially saying that they are stuck because of fear. Fear is a bigger beast to tackle, particularly if you’re not adept at fighting this monster. Fear can crush dreams, diminish hope, and cause unnecessary retreat. Left untamed, fear can cause destruction to anyone, including high achievers. How Feeling “Stuck” is Maintained For some people, taking steps to address feeling stuck or trapped is thwarted due to concerns about “what will happen.” Sometimes these perceptions are slightly exaggerated to the actual outcome. Meaning, setting mild or moderate boundaries with a person or an institution doesn’t often result in the huge fallout they are imagining. (Unless said person or institution is emotionally or otherwise overtly abusive and manipulative; for which I would recommend working with a professional when you choose to extract yourself from those situations, due to safety concerns with the other person’s reactions). For others, taking steps to address feeling stuck or trapped will, indeed, result in a destabilization of many parts of their lives. Because most people automatically assume this destabilization will happen in their situation if they set boundaries or prioritize themselves, and that this hypothesized destabilization will obliterate any chance for happiness in their life (ironically, as this is the intention of the very action itself), many people avoid taking the action they need to altogether. And for even others still, they do not know what their options are, and feel incapacitated by this lack of available effective methods, after they have exhausted multiple attempts to address the situation using different methods and now have concern that things will never change. Solutions? High achiever or not, the solution involves objectively assessing the situation, taking inventory of your possible options, and taking courageous action toward the goal you want. Tie your goal to your purpose in life, what you believe to be a life well-lived (and its related principles for living), and you have a foundation that science says is likely to keep your covitality and well-being intact for the foreseeable future. And if you need more help, seek out the support of a coach (if you’re not in distress) or therapist (if your distress is present and bothering you) to work through these situations. You’ve got this! -Dr. H