In the last post, I discussed the four main ways that I see High Achievers say that they feel “stuck.” Logically, the follow up question I most often will then receive is: How do they get “unstuck”? This is the million dollar question! Knowing the answer to this question is essentially what differentiates high achievers between those that feel good within their success, and those that feel trapped. Some high achievers are “successful,” in that they are living their version of “a life well-lived,” a the life they have been intentionally working toward that includes relationships and work that feels good to them. Other high achievers will struggle with this concept more, which inevitably prolongs the time it takes for them to feel fulfillment across multiple areas of their life. My “successful” high achievers know the secret to the former, the approach to “a life well lived.” This secret answer is what keeps them constantly moving in the direction that they want to go, seemingly hitting W after W. What is This Magical Solution, Already?! Of course, most people want a “silver bullet,” to which there is none. There is no universal answer to every problem; anyone telling you there is, is absolutely 100% lying to you. However, there are solutions to address feeling stuck, that are correlated with thriving, wellbeing, and overall success. These solutions might take some work and effort, and they aren’t a “silver bullet,” but they are doable, actionable, and something that can be started right now. Here is a microcosm of what I’ve learned about this question of How to get unstuck? (Obviously, this is much more nuanced in practice, but as a starting point, is important). Action in The Face of Fear My high achievers are EXCELLENT at action! They climb metaphorical (and physical) summits that others could only dream of. They are daring, capable, and extremely hard working. They are often creative, quick, and driven in their approaches to problem solving. For my high achievers that struggle with scenarios #2-4 (from my last post), they are also excellent at avoiding things that are uncomfortable. For these high achievers, they often instead try to find “ways around” uncomfortable actions, particularly ones that they are less familiar with or that they feel less confident about. This avoidance typically surrounds an action they need to take that is actually quite important or critical to getting the thing that they want. Their fear of discomfort causes them to avoid these feelings, which therefore keeps them circling the same situation and position they have been in with little (if any) movement. More simply said, fear and avoidance keep them stuck. From there, they typically “wait out” the discomfort and then fail to take the action they need to, to have the life they want. (This is all particularly salient for my high achieving people pleasers). (Ironically; fear [an uncomfortable emotion] of discomfort [by definition, an uncomfortable feeling] keeps them stuck [an even more uncomfortable feeling], and keeps them avoiding doing the action-thing that would offer them fulfillment [a comfortable feeling]… therefore, when avoiding action they often stay surrounded by uncomfortable emotions, whilst working super hard to not feel uncomfortable emotions, that they are themselves accidentally perpetuating, all while moving them further away from the actually comfortable feeling. Phew!). However, what they truly need is a direct, head-on approach for 99.9% of issues where they feel “stuck” or trapped. No avoidance, no “waiting” for it to “feel better,” no “guarantees” that the outcome will be what they want before they will do it. This is what my “successful” high achievers do, over and over and over again, rinse and repeat. They’re willing to take an L, they’re willing to take a chance, they’re willing to do whatever it takes to have the life of success and fulfillment that means so much to them. No guarantees needed; if this approach doesn’t work, they will find one that will. This may mean doing things others don’t like, making people upset by setting boundaries, saying “no,” disagreeing with others’ opinions, risking disrupting or losing relationships, communicating needs directly, holding consequences when needs are consistently not met, and seeing people for who they really are and what they are honestly capable of offering you. These are more “direct” actions. It’s important to note that direct actions do not have to be taken in a cold and callous Machiavellian way; you can still be warm and firm when holding boundaries, and doing so is actually a gold standard within action and boundary-related approaches. Why Are They Avoiding in The First Place? It Seems Counterintuitive To Their Nature… When I talk with my high achievers about breaking this pattern, they often ask about how they got there in the first place. It’s actually quite clever (albeit, exhausting!). High achievers feel so competent in so many other areas of their life, they often think they can “hack” around any of these unpleasant and direct action-items, and continue to attempt to indirectly influence or control the outcome of the other person or organization without directly doing all or any of these things. For example, I often hear, “What can I do without talking to them directly? Is there something I can say to get them to see this is a problem without being confrontational?” Read: they are asking me, “How can I do this without stating something the other person won’t like, or without giving consequences that will make the other person mad?” Another heavy hitter: “What can I do so people will still think I’m a good person? I can’t do X if others will think I’m not a good person, I can’t live with the guilt.” Here, they are essentially asking, “How can I do this thing that is likely to make someone unhappy, in a way that will keep them happy with me? I can’t/won’t do if if they
The Top 10 Blocks & Solutions to Having Your Dream Life
My work with high achieving people pleasers almost always involves helping my clients having their dream life in some form of another (which they may have been actively neglecting allowing themselves to even think about for some time) and recovering from burnout. (Typically, these are one in the same.) Nearly everyone wants to have their dream life. However, many people will fall short of truly embracing a life that feels good to them. This can all be fixed with a well-rounded approach and targeted strategies designed to help others live a life of their dreams. Every time I’ve helped someone master these strategies, their lives have drastically changed for the better. There’s no way around it. Living in alignment with your values and your dreams (read: yourself) is the only way to “have it all.” It’s the only way to have your dream life. Here are some of the most common themes I see in my practice with high achieving people pleasers, including common blocks and their corresponding solutions: 1. You are trying to “fix” yourself first before you can have the things you want. Instead, give yourself permission to have what you want right now – with no contingencies. 2. You are asking others’ permission and seeking others’ approval to have your big dreams and goals. Instead, put your values-driven goals ahead of all else. 3. You might not even have values-driven goals yet; you may be doing the “life checklist” of what you think you “should” do as your guiding force. Creating values-aligned goals sets your whole life up for thriving success and freedom-based living. 4. You do not see yourself as your own guiding light. By default, this makes your stand-in “master” things like external validation, fear, and avoidance of pain. Become your own master, take inventory of what your intention is in each thing you are doing, and you will feel empowered, fulfilled, peaceful, and in control over your life. 5. Your boundaries may not be as firm as you need them to be to feel good in your relationships. Learn what a boundary is, how to set them, and how to use them to reach the next level in your love, career, and financial worlds. (Hint: There are explicit rules here — master these rules, and become unstoppable!) 6. You are using your past or your present to define your future. There’s an abundance of research coming out saying that the more connected we are to the future version of ourselves we want to be, the more fulfilled and successful we are in the long run. Focus on Future You, use your new shiny boundaries, and watch your goals skyrocket. Future You would do it! 7. Make an action plan for reaching your goals. Dream lives do not happen unintentionally or accidentally. But there are also rules for action plans; including – be flexible with, be curious of, and problem-solve any and all inconveniences. Catastrophizing has no place in Dream Living; adaptability and connection to Future You are the friends of action planning. 8. Create a network of people who have the things that you want (versus a network of people who are merely proximal to you or that are there “just because”). Recreate their thinking and habits. There are rules for this, as well: take advice ONLY from those that have what you want, nurture only healthy relationships, and be willing to be teachable and coachable (read: vulnerable). 9. Get comfortable with people disagreeing with your values, goals, and plans. People pleasers often want to “prove” to others they are doing something that is okay; Future You wouldn’t agree with this. People who want to support you, will – without cajoling or forcing. See things and people for what they are truly willing to offer you – nothing more, nothing less. 10. Always stay connected to your vision. Each day, ask what your intention is today, what values you are fulfilling. When things are difficult, ask how you can stay values-aligned in that moment and what Future You would do. When we move away from our vision, we hitch our wagon to someone else’s vision and dreams; this is when we feel most burned out and unappreciated. Connection to our vision is the antidote to this. This list isn’t all-inclusive, nor prescriptive. However, it’s an excellent starting point. Apply these strategies and watch your life change drastically. Want to know more specifics about how this would look in practice and potentially change your whole life? We have courses launching soon – sign up for our waitlist!