Too many of my clients are too worried about the “uncontrollables” in their life. These “uncontrollables” are aspects of their external world that they attempt to control or manage, and actively believe that they can exert control over. When they are in this space, they tend to focus on:
- What people think about them
- “Making everyone happy”
- Finding the “perfect” way to do something
- “Preparing for every possible scenario”
- Waiting “for the right time”
- So on and so forth
This then leads to:
- Spending excessive time preparing for things that are never used, not important, or arbitrary
- Starting projects and not finishing them
- Burning themselves out trying to spend more time on their tasks than is logically available in their day, trying to “do it all”
- Feeling unappreciated when others don’t notice how much time and energy they have spent in something
- Struggling to set boundaries within themselves and with others
- Feeling affected by someone’s dislike of their work
- Continuing to tweak projects endlessly
- -OR- Conversely, not doing anything at all!
These are just some of the many ways that people pleasing x perfectionism can show up in someone’s life.
People often engage in these behaviors in an effort to make things “perfect” before they let others see, analyze, and have the opportunity to reject their work. It also protects them from the rejection they do of themselves; when they are holding themselves up to rigid or unrealistic expectations, they are being harshly critical of (and often unintentionally unkind to) themselves. These are fairly fear-based ways to set personal expectations of oneself.
The irony? Nothing happens to their goals!
They spent so much time on the uncontrollables, that they forgot to master their efficiency in the things they CAN control. In doing so, the gap between themselves and their goals increases, because they have put time and distance between themselves and their goals with this waiting game.
And this is if they even have set and measurable goals for their progress. Honestly, most of my perfectionists and people pleasers do not. If they do have goals, they are often unattainable, unreasonable, and self-sabotaging. Most believe that perfect project execution is the goal, other people being proud of them is the goal, being seen as competent and unfailing in every task is the goal, and doing great (no, wonderful!) work at all times is the ultimate goal.
Ah!
When people approach loose and unmeasurable goals this way, it begs so many more questions than it can possibly answer. How would one measure this? How would one measure success? Failure? If one person doesn’t like it, then are you (as a person) a complete failure, or just your project (and is that a complete failure or a partial failure)? What if your boss, Sally, is just mean and will never be proud of you – will you then never be “good enough”? What if the CEO has expectations that defy the logic of the time-space continuum and what human people are capable of doing – are you still a failure if you cannot meet such toxic and unreasonable demands?
This keeps my clients in a feedback loop of rumination, stress, and constant questioning of their worthiness and inherent worth as a person. When really, what we want to do is evaluate the completion on a discrete task, project, or goal. One is about a person, the other is about a task. These are very different things.
But what if they worked toward their goal with (a) measurable and operationalized metrics, and (b) a steady, reasonable, and pragmatic pace in mind? What would change?
Let’s start with what’s considered “reasonable.” As a starting point, let’s consider a goal of making 1% progress every day on a specific task/goal, and let’s assume you are currently at a baseline of 0% on this task/goal. One percent doesn’t seem like a lot, does it? If we only made 1% progress expected every day on a task or goal, in 30 days they are 30% closer! Even if our execution was not perfect, we would still be ⅓ of the way closer to goal completion by the end of 30 days (on whatever it is we are working on). In 3.5 months, we would be fully completing this goal. (This is, obviously, extremely hypothetical and not applicable to all situations).
However, that’s a pretty big gain on a goal, and not likely reflective of the high level of growth that we likely can expect in most circumstances. A lot of this has to do with sustainability (e.g., do you actually have the time each day to do what it would demand to complete 1% of a project/goal every day?) as well as growth incubation periods that exist with many goals (e.g., growing muscle in a fitness program, growing your financial portfolios, or even in things like significantly increasing your networking relationships takes time to address that can’t be bypassed).
(Isn’t that crazy, that we have to think even smaller, in order to make bigger, sustainable goals STICK?!).
For some people, they can only get 0.1% closer each day; that’s totally okay, too! In fact, in many instances, this might even be advisable to think about it this way. In this scenario, In 10 days, they are 1% closer to their goal. In 10 weeks, they are 10% closer. And in 10 months, they can be 40% closer!
That’s 40 percent closer to their goal in ten months!!
What if someone is really, really strapped for time and effort. What if they only can work toward 0.05% closer to their goal each day? That’s still: 0.5% closer in 10 days, 5% closer in 5 weeks, and 20% closer in 10 months!
It’s kind of crazy to think about it this way, but some goals benefit from this strategy. For example, take long-term goals, such as retirement. With our retirement funds, we do exactly this. If you are planning a retirement fund in the multi-millions, chances are you are saving <0.0001% per day.
For short-term goals, this is somewhat less applicable, but one still benefits from considering the following: if you focus on perfectionism x people pleasing, and subsequently get stuck in the nuance, rumination about, or details of a task, how much of your important resources (e.g., time, energy, money) do you eat up, as compared to how much you allotted for? What other important tasks and responsibilities are ignored, each time we allow perfectionism x people pleasing to run the show of our performance within a task? Using a simple mental cost-benefit analysis, is it worth it to approach tasks this way ( e.g., driven by worry or rumination of what others might think) when you’re all said and done, compared to if you were to focus on specific metrics, objective deliverables, or completion goals?
There’s also the case of people who get so wrapped up in their perfectionism or people pleasing that they either do nothing at all, or procrastinate and finish tasks at the last minute. In these cases, people leave a lot on the table by ensuring almost 0% growth toward goals (or a hastily contrived partial percentage gain). These people are waiting for the perfect time to strike, or for when space somehow becomes made available to them, before they do what they need to do. Even if they make some progress toward their goal via spurts of action (when fueled by anxiety-laden perfectionism), it’s not likely to even (a) feel good afterward, or (b) represent the equivalent amount that could have otherwise been achieved with consistent effort in small bouts over time (e.g., allowing them to reach their potential). This process of procrastination or avoidance often feels awful for this person, and quite frankly – they don’t deserve to feel this way!
Furthermore, perfection was never on the table. EVER. (In the case of chasing perfectionistic tendencies).
Even further more, most people report that the “high” of the praise they receive wears off quickly in the minutes and hours after the “thing” is completed, when they are chasing external validation. This can often feel like they are putting themselves in a “hampster wheel” chasing praise. (In the case of chasing people pleasing tendencies).
Thus, people who sacrifice their goals for perfectionism, are chasing something that is not even available to them (perfect outcome and/or people’s approval), for something that is immediately able to be invested within and worked on (working on small and measurable goals over time).
This is why we say “progress over perfection.” In other words, you choose your goals, versus choosing your fear. You choose small daily commitments, versus choosing an illusion where you will never be enough. The winning choice is clear: If you want your goals, you need to choose YOU.
This does start with taking a project, task, or goal, and doing the following:
- Make it operational – Make it easy to define and measure. Instead of “this needs to be perfect and they need to like me,” try something like, “I want to make a presentation that focuses on engagement / statistics / whatever” – “I want to get stronger” – “I want to work on writing my book”
- Make it easy to measure – “In this presentation, I will focus on highlighting the 3 best strategies and 5 strong reasons why each are the best choice”; “I will go from lifting X lb to Xlb”; “I will make a morning ritual that works up to 10 minutes long each morning” etc. You can also do it by time, if that helps: “I will spend no longer than one hour per day on this project. Whatever I get done in that time is whatever I get done.” Define success on your own terms. What is the goal for completion here?
- Set a timeframe – How long will you give yourself? When will you measure progress?
- Set a daily or weekly goal – What is your daily or weekly goal for growth?
- Set a plan for how to achieve this – What is your plan to achieve this growth and this goal? Even more importantly, is it a plan that is linked to gaining the outcome you desire?
- Set a plan for accountability – What is your plan for keeping yourself accountable?
This turns perfectionism x people pleasing on its head. Instead of being about your inherent worth as a person, we then focus on tangible progress and processes. And then, if we don’t get our goal or outcome, we just tweak the process – we don’t tear down ourselves.
There’s another component of this that is very important. In changing your focus to a goal and process, you have to embody a completely different mindset. The person struggling with perfectionism x people pleasing doesn’t just “give up” their beliefs about themselves and what they “should” do overnight. And those are the areas they will typically struggle with the most when refocusing on goals instead. In this vein, they must focus learn to focus their attention, appreciation, and beliefs around the mantra that “daily commitments equal huge achievements,” and that “my good enough today is enough every day.” They must nurture their wellbeing and foster discipline, as core principles that they believe in and hold important to them. These are the forests where perfectionism goes to die; in calm, steady, and committed acceptance and mindful action.
Mindful action. Action where you honor yourself, your purpose, the meaningfulness of your life, your inherent worth. A place where you attach to yourself, you honor your goals, you do the hard things anyway, in the service of a life well-lived. Make no mistake about it; perfectionism is a prison oceans away from a life well-lived. On the other hand, showing up for yourself and the things that make your soul feel complete; this is what makes people feel alive and free.
The shifting of the mindset from this perfectionism x people pleasing is much harder than this post is meant to describe, but it’s the key to maintaining a sustainable shift over time. Start with defining your goals, managing your controllables and your processes, and work through mindset shifts along the way.
It’s simple but not always easy: if you want your goals, you must commit to honoring yourself and your goal, slow and steady, every day.
With warmth,
Dr. H