In the last post, I discussed the four main ways that I see High Achievers say that they feel “stuck.”
Logically, the follow up question I most often will then receive is: How do they get “unstuck”?
This is the million dollar question!
Knowing the answer to this question is essentially what differentiates high achievers between those that feel good within their success, and those that feel trapped. Some high achievers are “successful,” in that they are living their version of “a life well-lived,” a the life they have been intentionally working toward that includes relationships and work that feels good to them. Other high achievers will struggle with this concept more, which inevitably prolongs the time it takes for them to feel fulfillment across multiple areas of their life.
My “successful” high achievers know the secret to the former, the approach to “a life well lived.” This secret answer is what keeps them constantly moving in the direction that they want to go, seemingly hitting W after W.
What is This Magical Solution, Already?!
Of course, most people want a “silver bullet,” to which there is none. There is no universal answer to every problem; anyone telling you there is, is absolutely 100% lying to you. However, there are solutions to address feeling stuck, that are correlated with thriving, wellbeing, and overall success. These solutions might take some work and effort, and they aren’t a “silver bullet,” but they are doable, actionable, and something that can be started right now. Here is a microcosm of what I’ve learned about this question of How to get unstuck? (Obviously, this is much more nuanced in practice, but as a starting point, is important).
Action in The Face of Fear
My high achievers are EXCELLENT at action! They climb metaphorical (and physical) summits that others could only dream of. They are daring, capable, and extremely hard working. They are often creative, quick, and driven in their approaches to problem solving.
For my high achievers that struggle with scenarios #2-4 (from my last post), they are also excellent at avoiding things that are uncomfortable. For these high achievers, they often instead try to find “ways around” uncomfortable actions, particularly ones that they are less familiar with or that they feel less confident about. This avoidance typically surrounds an action they need to take that is actually quite important or critical to getting the thing that they want. Their fear of discomfort causes them to avoid these feelings, which therefore keeps them circling the same situation and position they have been in with little (if any) movement. More simply said, fear and avoidance keep them stuck. From there, they typically “wait out” the discomfort and then fail to take the action they need to, to have the life they want. (This is all particularly salient for my high achieving people pleasers).
(Ironically; fear [an uncomfortable emotion] of discomfort [by definition, an uncomfortable feeling] keeps them stuck [an even more uncomfortable feeling], and keeps them avoiding doing the action-thing that would offer them fulfillment [a comfortable feeling]… therefore, when avoiding action they often stay surrounded by uncomfortable emotions, whilst working super hard to not feel uncomfortable emotions, that they are themselves accidentally perpetuating, all while moving them further away from the actually comfortable feeling. Phew!).
However, what they truly need is a direct, head-on approach for 99.9% of issues where they feel “stuck” or trapped.
No avoidance, no “waiting” for it to “feel better,” no “guarantees” that the outcome will be what they want before they will do it.
This is what my “successful” high achievers do, over and over and over again, rinse and repeat. They’re willing to take an L, they’re willing to take a chance, they’re willing to do whatever it takes to have the life of success and fulfillment that means so much to them. No guarantees needed; if this approach doesn’t work, they will find one that will.
This may mean doing things others don’t like, making people upset by setting boundaries, saying “no,” disagreeing with others’ opinions, risking disrupting or losing relationships, communicating needs directly, holding consequences when needs are consistently not met, and seeing people for who they really are and what they are honestly capable of offering you.
These are more “direct” actions. It’s important to note that direct actions do not have to be taken in a cold and callous Machiavellian way; you can still be warm and firm when holding boundaries, and doing so is actually a gold standard within action and boundary-related approaches.
Why Are They Avoiding in The First Place? It Seems Counterintuitive To Their Nature…
When I talk with my high achievers about breaking this pattern, they often ask about how they got there in the first place. It’s actually quite clever (albeit, exhausting!). High achievers feel so competent in so many other areas of their life, they often think they can “hack” around any of these unpleasant and direct action-items, and continue to attempt to indirectly influence or control the outcome of the other person or organization without directly doing all or any of these things.
For example, I often hear, “What can I do without talking to them directly? Is there something I can say to get them to see this is a problem without being confrontational?” Read: they are asking me, “How can I do this without stating something the other person won’t like, or without giving consequences that will make the other person mad?” Another heavy hitter: “What can I do so people will still think I’m a good person? I can’t do X if others will think I’m not a good person, I can’t live with the guilt.” Here, they are essentially asking, “How can I do this thing that is likely to make someone unhappy, in a way that will keep them happy with me? I can’t/won’t do if if they are upset with me, so I need to find a way around feeling that discomfort.”
Additionally, because of this tendency to think that they have the capability to do and fix anything, high achievers often push back on the idea that they must address the uncomfortable issues head-on, and that this is truly necessary to do to achieve the outcome they want (hear me out). They believe that, since they are typically successful and clever in other areas, they can trust their own logic that says, “there must be a way to do this without directly doing the most difficult thing! That doesn’t make sense! I’ve solved so many problems creatively before, I can totally do that here, too!” Another one I often hear is, “It should be this way so I’ll keep doing X; it doesn’t make sense why I wouldn’t get the result I need from this!” even after repeated experiments showing that the person isn’t going to, in fact, receive the desired outcome from a person or situation.
The problem here is that they are assuming other people have the same thoughts, feelings, and values as they do; that they have the same personality characteristics and traits, motivations, and good-will that they do. This projection is catastrophic for the high achieving people pleaser, as their assumptions are often largely incorrect (even if the other person in question doesn’t demonstrate ill-will, another person will surely have different lived experiences and values that would motivate them differently, which our projections would lack accounting for).
And of course, there are a multitude of lived experiences that are the root-cause of these avoidance patterns overall, if we wanted to get extremely specific as to the “why.” Growing up in authoritarian households, family members with any form of diagnosed or suspected emotional struggles or personality disorders, being “parentified” as a child, or in general being made to feel your feelings were “wrong” or “bad” can correlate to avoidance behaviors. (This is also not to be confused with avoidant attachment, which is a different thing entirely). That’s just to name a few; the list is robust and avoidance behaviors are influenced well beyond variables within childhood alone.
Take-Aways
When high achievers are being successful in their lives, they are taking actions in the face of fear.
These actions are aligned with life principles and values that are extremely important to them, give them purpose and meaning, and breathe life into their work and relationships.
These actions are at the forefront of their mind when they are facing their discomfort head-on. Their Purpose > their desire to avoid discomfort.
They are willing to sacrifice a few hours, days, or weeks to being uncomfortable, if it means having what they have worked so hard for.
Indirect or avoidance approaches rarely, if ever, work. (I’ve sat with so many hurting people who have been applying avoidance approaches at their own peril time and time again.)
Avoidance approaches are painful for for the high achiever, and the pain doesn’t stop until they refocus on taking accountability for their own happiness despite what someone else agrees to, versus focusing on making their decisions palatable for others.
This is a major mindset shift from where many are at. This is a hard feat.
But it’s a noble feat. It’s the most important feat. And it’s a doable feat.
With that in mind, go climb some mountains!
As always, if you need more help, seek out the support of a coach (if you’re not in distress) or therapist (if your distress is present and bothering you) to work through these situations.
With warmth and unconditional reverence,
-Dr. H